


Dark Little Heaven

by JustAPassingGlance



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:24:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6639433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAPassingGlance/pseuds/JustAPassingGlance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t fair, Blaine thought as he held Sebastian tight to his chest and every few seconds Sebastian’s body convulsed with restrained sobs.<br/><br/>It wasn’t fair that Sebastian was the only one allowed to be hurting throughout all of this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Little Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> written for seblaineaffairs spring fling (challenge- spring cleaning)
> 
> warning: minor character death

When he got home at 9:30, Blaine wasn’t surprised to find his husband sitting on the couch in the complete dark. Not even the television was on. There was a glass of half-drunk soda next to him, more likely than not spiked with something. Vodka, probably, unless Sebastian had gone out and gotten something else. He had already drunk everything else they had in the house.

Blaine understood that he needed it, but he wasn’t going to fuel the habit so he let the liquor cabinet empty one bottle at a time. If Sebastian wanted more he would have to go and get it himself.

“Hey,” Blaine said quietly. He flipped the kitchen lights on to find an almost empty vodka bottle on the table. “Have you eaten?”

Sebastian didn’t answer. Blaine didn’t expect him to.

He opened the refrigerator and began to push around containers. “We have leftover pasta and three-day-old Chinese. Chicken-something and some chow mein. Maybe some dumplings and an egg roll. Looks like we might have some Thai, too.” He sniffed cautiously at one of the boxes.

Even though it had only been a few days ago, he couldn’t remember what he had ordered, he had just been picking at random off the menu hoping one of the dishes would entice Sebastian to eat.

He continued chatting away as he dumped the pasta into two bowls and popped them into the microwave. As had become habit he spoke like it was a conversation, even leaving pauses for Sebastian to answer if he wanted to.

“-she just doesn’t know what she wants to do. Fairly typical of girls her age, I have been told, but still frustrating for her parents to deal with, you know?”

The microwave beeped. “Dinner is ready,” he called into the other room.

The cheeseburger and side of fries he had already eaten were sitting heavily in his stomach but in the last two weeks he had learned that, on the nights when Sebastian had forgotten to feed himself, the best way to ensure he kept himself nourished was by eating with him.

He knew he should have just gotten a salad.

“I didn’t realize it had gotten so late.” Sheepishly, Sebastian slipped into his seat at the table, blinking against the brightness of the lights. “Smells good.”

“And here,” Blaine plunked a very full glass of water down and tried to sound cheerful instead of condescending as he said, “I know you haven’t had any all day.”

Sebastian’s hand caught Blaine’s and he didn’t let go. “Thank you.” He tried for a smile which was the barest twitch of his lips and wasn’t reflected in his eyes.  

Blaine sat down and picked up his fork with his left hand. Clumsily, he began shoveling food into his mouth. After a few minutes Sebastian let go of his hand and instead made sure that his leg was pressing against Blaine’s as he began eating.

Trying to keep up with Sebastian was exhausting. Some days he could barely look at Blaine and on others he was nearly suffocating in his demands for affection. Yesterday he had physically recoiled when Blaine brushed against him while getting his toothpaste from the cabinet. Every muscle of Sebastian’s body had screamed accusatorially at Blaine and he had gotten the message loud and clear.

He wasn’t the one that Sebastian wanted to be touching.   

Blaine sighed and pressed his leg back against his husband’s.

“How was your day?” Blaine asked after he deemed that Sebastian had eaten enough. “Did you…” _leave the house? take a shower? do anything other than sit on the couch?_ “How was your day?” He repeated again.

“Fine. You know.” Sebastian’s breath hitched in his throat and his jaw clenched. But still, it was a better answer than Blaine got on most days. “Fine.”

* * *

 

Blaine wasn’t surprised when the night ended in sex. Nor was he surprised when that sex didn’t involve any exchange of words and that they didn’t so much as look at each other the entire time.

By the time it was over, Blaine had almost managed to convince himself that Sebastian hadn’t been pretending he was someone else. The way he had grabbed Blaine’s hips after flipping him around, his fingers lining up almost perfectly, fumbling only a little to find their place was nearly proof enough. And it was easier to pretend when he couldn’t see for himself how tightly shut Sebastian’s eyes were screwed.

How far they had come from their first time when Sebastian had looked, barely even blinking, at Blaine like he was a sacred relic. Had touched him almost timidly, as though it were all a mirage and if he wanted too hard it would be gone.

Back in the days when Sebastian had loved only him.

It wasn’t fair, Blaine thought as he held Sebastian tight to his chest and every few seconds Sebastian’s body convulsed with restrained sobs.

It wasn’t fair that Sebastian was the only one allowed to be hurting throughout all of this.

Blaine hadn’t had a chance to crumble under the weight of the knowledge. He hadn’t been able to react to the fact that his husband of eight years had been having an affair.

He’d barely even had the chance to comprehend it because the first he had heard of it was when Sebastian’s phone dropped from his husband’s hand, his face ashen and his legs giving out beneath him. Blaine had picked it up and listed to a tearful voice repeating over and over that someone named Hunter was dead.

“Who’s Hunter?” Blaine had asked, confused because he knew all of Sebastian’s close friends and family. He had known everyone in Sebastian’s life who would elicit him sinking to the floor with an encroaching panic attack, eyes wide with loss and fear.

He hadn’t know what to do or say. All he could do was reach out, offer himself as the anchor he had always tried to be. That he always thought he had been.

But Sebastian had twisted away to wrap his own arms around his knees. “He was…” he had gasped, “he was my… My… I had…”

And that had been enough for Blaine to know. Hunter had been _something_ to Sebastian. A boyfriend, maybe. Something more than a past hook-up or even more than a casual dalliance from the present. There had been another man that Sebastian had been with—for how long Blaine couldn’t guess. Months or even longer.

The word _lover_ came to Blaine’s mind and stuck. Not a word Sebastian would have used but Blaine knew it was the right one. Another man that had been in Sebastian’s life. Another man that Sebastian had loved.  

A man that was now gone from his husband’s life in the worst way possible.

The selfish part of Blaine’s brain had wondered whether or not Sebastian had loved this other man more than he loved him.

But Blaine loved Sebastian. He loved him more than he had ever, or could ever, love anything or anyone else. He loved him so much he made himself deal with this hurt, at least for now.

He didn’t know what else he could do. He couldn’t leave Sebastian, like some of his friends so vehemently wanted him to do. Nor could he explode in furious anger like he wanted to do, not when Sebastian was falling apart at the seams because Blaine was the only thing even remotely holding him together.

This was it. This was all that he could do. He could hold Sebastian late at night and offer him love and support. He could avoid his touch to keep him from remembering. It was the best he could do, in the circumstances and also maybe the worst that could be done.

Blaine knew he would never again be enough. That he hadn’t, in fact, been enough for quite some time. But this, and them, was all that either of them had left.

There would be a time at some point in the future where Blaine could think and feel whatever he needed. Where he wouldn’t be the only thing holding Sebastian together, so he could take his time in examining all the things that would surely shatter him apart. He would be able to sit down and dissect everything; feel what it was that he wanted to feel and not what it was that he needed to not-feel. 

Maybe the shroud of Sebastian’s grief would soften his heart. He’d know that, eventually, he would be able to come to terms.  Or maybe the fuzzy numbness would give way to boiling anger and he would discover that he would never be able to forgive his husband.

Maybe what he wanted would be a moot point because Sebastian wouldn’t want him anymore. 

Or maybe they would stay tied together. Not in the marriage that either of them wanted and certainly not in the marriage that Blaine had always dreamed he would have. But they were bound together—maybe not in this experience where they both suffered alone—but in so many others. And maybe that bond would be strong enough to see them through. Maybe not happy but not unhappy about it. A muddling middle ground that they would both endure as they dreamed of different futures.

But those crossroads, if there were going to be any, were still just out of reach. They weren’t in the here and now, where Sebastian was hurting beyond what Blaine could even imagine. And whether it was or wasn’t his place to pass judgment  on his husband, he couldn’t bring himself to do so just yet.

So he just held him tighter and tried to make his body seem bigger. Whatever comfort he could offer was Sebastian’s for the taking.


End file.
